Letting go
Its been really a long time since i wrote sth here. I totally forgot about this.
Now that i feel like writing my thoughts down, i recalled that i own this little space that i use to pour my little secrets in.
Today... I m going to write about W and hopefully i will learn to let go.
When I mean let go, i dun mean that we are together or wat.. I mean to let go is to really give up on dreaming to be with her. Its been some time. I am going to try recall the number of times i asked her out and how she rejected me on many occasions.
I remember i knew her in Asian Film History class. It was because of Asian Film History assignment that we sort of work together and manage to get the philippines Film Archieve to reply. It was really rare for a them to reply and to actually provide actual information. My guess is that most film archieve will not help students in student project. most student didnt get a reply.
Then i learned abt the Yogyagarta trip which Yanbing and friends are going. All girls trip. I wanted to go badly but one of the gal rejected because she doesnt feel comfortable that a guy tag along. I always had the impression that it wasn't W that rejected because i asked her and she said she is really "OK". Well... its just the way she do things. It was until much later than i realise from YB that it was W who object me from going. (1st time)
Before the trip, I took the initiative to sms her and asked her out. She said that "I am not a interesting person" and rejected me again. (2nd time) That's how my holiday ended. It ended with the count down 2009. I remembered that year, I screw up the whole friendship thing with MH. I chose W over MH...
Then School started with me having 2 classes with W. This is the year when I had just finished "Contained".
I remembered seeing W waving friendly at me in Contemp photo class.
I remembered how enjoyable to sit beside her in Prof practice first class.
I remembered seeing her jump up in excitement as I present my class presentation.
I remembered seeing her eat the "mochi" I made overnight(with 2 attempt failed), and how she smile as she showed me the stawberry in it.
The smile she gave... made me think that all this was worth it.
And yes.. all this while, all seem pretty nice.
Then came the ultimate killer when she wrote a very long sms telling me that she is not used to me being too over friendly. The sms came and everything toppled down. check mate.
After that, I tried to avoid her. I cannot face her at all. I went too fast and lost my footing. all was steady and because i was worried, i took a step further than i should and lose my balanced.
After the deadly sms, after avoiding her, after all that... I tried to shift my direction and focus on "sth" else. She too, showed strong rejection signs throughout. I never really talked to her until much later, near the end of semester. In msn. That is when i mentioned to her about "play"
And everything seem to restart. I gain back a friend. We were talking more this time. she came down twice to help at Osage. I think it was like dreaming. planting padi on a roof top.
then came my continuous effort to ask her out to visit Osage Gallery. 3 times i remembered. 1 time sms, 1 time in school, and 1 time when the miracle happened when i was going home.
but after the first date, which Hera came along... I never asked her out again. She agreed to help at the photoshoot in school but i totally screwed it. My film screening, she didnt make it because of workstudy. Only until the first day of school when i bump into her again. This is when I asked if she wants to watch sand castle. and she rejected me the next day.
Haizz... It's been a year since i know W. and i think its been half a yr of attempt to get to know her more. I would say her impression of me got a little better, well at least from worst to bad...
but now that I recalled... maybe i was being too positive. Its so obvious that she wasn't interested with me at all.
I have to let go now. Its really upsetting. Its like i always thought i could finish this, I always thought I got it right. But no... I did not. I got it all wrong. I failed. Its a waste. I always thought that fate or chance can bring us together. or maybe.. i just treat every coincidence as a fate thing. maybe its not. maybe its just me thinking too much. Ta man de...LEt go! let go! let go! I cannot imagine seeing her with another guy. worst still... another guy who happens to be my friend.
Big Haizzz. Henry, let go!
posted by Ozu at 4:49 PM
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